You can try to prepare yourself for something you know is coming but you’re never quite ready for when it hits you in fact.
Paul McAuley told me that chemo is cumulative and each round will add to what has gone before, so the last few will be tougher than the first. Paul’s chemo was tougher than mine. I’ve had moments of feeling debilitated while sliding down the V but I wasn’t ready for not being able to rely on my physical ability or condition. E.g., if I went out this afternoon, I could not guarantee that I would not collapse somewhere, unable to do anything to help myself.
At the moment, I’m so debilitated that I don’t even have the strength to be in denial about how weak I am. Now that’s what I call debilitated. Because I am, after all, the Chemo Pole Dancer. Chemo Dance Party! Sick, me? Don’t be ridiculous, here I am doing the Twist!
Even the most well-adjusted soul has to understand that, yes, you’re refusing to let cancer beat you but you have to adjust to what is physically possible. And sometimes, what’s physically possible is…well, not much.
But it doesn’t mean surrender.
Hear that, cancer? No surrender––and no prisoners!